GUFUYourself

On Wednesday, Sony announced to the world that they aren’t fully dead yet and decided to release the Playstation 4, the long-awaited heir to the Sony throne, in which many hope will rule the gaming landscape once again. For those who missed the showing and don’t want to read through 50 million articles that say the exact same thing or read through a bunch of fanboyish bliss on forums, here’s a quick recap of the event…

The Showreel: “Remember how awesome we were? Playstation 1 and 2 were totally the shit back in the day, remember that? We’re still awesome, guys, like we’ve been telling you for the last 5 years of our press conferences. Right?”

The Host: “Sorry that Kaz isn’t here since he’s too busy trying to fix all the shit we done in the last decade, but how about that Playstation? We’re still awesome, right? Last year we released the Vita, and we’re still coming out with stuff for it, so buy one…please? We still got that power and all of those launch games…”

The Reveal: “The Playstation 4 is real, and it’s more awesome than it’s ever been. I mean we have a new x86 processor with a kickass graphics card and 8GBs of GDDR5 memory and a bunch of other shit that half of you watching have no idea what the hell we’re talking about, but trust us when we say these specs will blow your fucking minds!”

The Controller: “Dualshock 4 everyone! It may look the same as every other controller we released, but look! We have this laptop touchpad that no games are ever going to use, a Share button so we can reach our goal of making the videogame equivalent of Instagram, and a giant controller LED indicator, because we believe you’re all a bunch of idiots.”

The Features: “Look at our new menu! It is completely original and how it isn’t a complete copy of Windows 8. Look at our new Instagram features we put in! Take screenshots and videos from the console so you can post your pointless captures all across the internet. Thinking about streaming to Twitch? Who cares about Twitch? It’s all about the Ustream for us! Speaking of Instagram, take a look at our new social network, with real names and all of your information for the world to see. Want to have some privacy? Screw that! We want everything about you to be known to everyone! And did we forget to mention that we fixed our download system? Not only can you download games in the background, but now you can play the game as it downloads.” (Cues for next segment)

Gaikai: “Thanks for bailing us out, Sony! Did you see what happened to Onlive? Thank God I never have to deal with that. To spite our fallen brethren and to screw privacy once again, we’re now copying what they’ve done and have all of your gameplay streamed to everyone. Let hundreds of gamers watch and comment on how much you suck at a game, and if they think you really suck, they can take control of the game and laugh at how bad you are at the most menial task in a game. Speaking of streaming, have we mentioned that you can stream gameplay to every single device imaginable? You can do that on platforms ranging from smartphones to tablets and…Vita!” (dies a little inside).

The Developer Reel: “The Playstation 4 is truly awesome, and we’re not saying this because Sony paid us to be in this video. So here’s a bunch of philosophical guff to make this console more spectacular than it actually is…GAMING EVERYWHERE!”

Knack: “Now we’re going to get to game, get to games, Sorry for wasting your…TIME SHERONA!
Here is the game I made, the game I made, now it’s my time to…SHINE SHERONA!
I went to make Crash, gave it up, then I produced a bunch of stuff and now I made a game that’s…MY, MY, MY, AY, YI, WOO!

Killzone Shadow Fall: “Here we got a new Killzone, with the Helghast and the shiny buildings, and the explosions, and the scripted corridor sequences, and the…welp, demo’s over. Let’s save this recording on Facebook so you graphics whores can “enjoy” it later.”

Drive Club: “Finally! I made the game that I always wanted! A game where I can finally look at cars and drive them around. I really love cars! I really have nothing else to say other than I really love cars and how I like looking at my models that look like it came from Gran Turismo 5. *groans in the most provocative way possible*

Audience: “WHERE’S JEREMY CLARKSON WHEN WE NEED HIM?”

InFamous Second Son: “THE LIZARD PEOPLE OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER ILLUMINATI GALACTIC FEDERATION OF MONKEY XENU IS GOING TO BRING THE WORLD TO 1000 YEARS OF DARKNESS! IT’S UP TO A BUNCH OF SUPERHEROES IN ANOTHER PREQUEL TO SAVE US ALL! RON PAUL 2016!”

Media Molecule: “The Playstation Move still exists, and it now has the power to read your dreams…by allowing you to sculpt with clay that will take you longer to learn how to use than it will give you enjoyment. But hey…at least you can recreate the Bohemian Rhapsody scene in Wayne’s World with our new puppet theater…we got to use that fancy new camera somehow.”

Capcom: Yoshinori Ono showing off some new engine with a CGI trailer…speaks for itself with Ono in the picture.

Square-Enix: “Playstation 4 is awesome, so here’s a tech demo we showed last year to prove it. I’m sorry. Were you expecting more? Well screw you! Wait for E3!”

Watch_Dogs: “We’re also prepared to stop the New World Order Illuminati Bilderberg Group Rockefeller Rothschild Satanic Lizard Alliance, but now you can do it using the power of your smartphone…we’re French. That’s the best we can come up with.”

Diablo 3: “Hey guys! We’re developing for consoles once again, so here’s a year-old port that’s an inferior version of a PC game that everyone hated compared to the original games, with real money auction house and all the DLC you want. Have fun!”

Destiny: “Bungie is now making games on Sony consoles. Isn’t that great? Unfortunately that’s all we got.” (With a little hint of “Screw you Microsoft” thrown in with the Halo stuff)

Ending: “You see guys? Playstation 4 is awesome! Expect it to come out by the end of the year with all the third party support you can hope for. Even though we’re not confident in announcing a price or even showing the console itself, and the fact that this system will probably bomb at launch because it’s going to cost an arm and a leg to get one in a really bad economy, keep in mind that we’re going to get all the support we need because we are not Nintendo. Good night everyone!”

After The Show: System comes with headphones, PS3 games not compatible with new console (even downloadable games), and that the console will not block used games (maybe, third parties will decide to do it anyway).

Overall: Sony gave a good showing for the Playstation 4, announcing a bunch of new features and games for the system. Unfortunately the graphical leap isn’t as impressive this time, but is expected because current graphics already look good enough. I hope to see more of the Playstation 4 at E3 and will stay interested until it launches by the end of this year.